I was once very badly lashed by my senior in the office, in front of my subordinates and many other colleagues. I immediately realized that he is making an ill-informed decision, and the actual reality is quite different. I tried to reason with him, but as is often the case — anger had overshadowed one’s reasoning ability. Realizing that my explanation would only increase the argument, I kept quiet.

It felt bad, really really bad. I have always taken pride in the quality of my delivery, and was very sad to hear this from my senior. He should not have reacted in this fashion. What was even worse that one of my subordinates — who had been working very hard for the event in discussion — was also at the receiving end, and was very depressed to hear this. When I talked to him after the instance, I could see him on the verge of crying.

I was eager to talk to my senior, but allowed things to calm down for some time. Subsequently, I requested him for a one-to-one discussion, and very politely explained that as a leader, he should not be making such ill-informed statements, as it has a deep impact on the entire team. Since he was calm, he was able to realize his own mistake in this regard.

I added, that he has all the right to be dissatisfied with my work and can give me feedback, but he has no right to be disrespectful to anyone in the office — even if he/she is his subordinate.

I would not say he took the entire conversation positively, and was continuously trying to defend himself. But it became very clear to him, that he cannot be disrespectful to myself and my team, for any given reason. As time passed, I could definitely see a change in behavior, however small it was.

This instance made me reflect on certain key aspects to be considered when giving constructive feedback , to ensure that it is taken positively by the receiver:

I. There is always a right time and right situation to give feedback.

We cannot just give feedback at any given time — there is always a right time and right situation to give the feedback.

Your words may have no value at one particular point of time, but might be very powerful at another instance.

II. The receiver should be in the right state of mind to receive your feedback.

If the person supposed to receive feedback is angry or agitated, whatever we may try, the feedback will not be taken. Instead, the person receiving feedback might put back everything back to you.

Hence, to ensure our feedback is taken positively and acted upon, it is important to give feedback when the receiver is in the right state of mind. If that is not happening, the right thing would be share your feedback through an email, explaining your viewpoint, rather than a face-to-face conversation.

III. We should have the right motivation for the feedback.

Be clear what do you want as an outcome from your feedback, and do you have the right motivation do so. If your feedback is aimed at humiliating the other person, take a pause and let your anger subside. Our feedback should not be a cover for a fault finding exercise in the other person. Rather, our feedback should only be aimed at improving situation for everyone around us.

“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.”– Frank A. Clark

IV. Say in a manner that people would listen to you.

During my feedback, I always start by appreciating the good qualities in the other person. This helps in building a comfort level. And then I say, “If you agree with the positives I have shared, you will have to agree with the negatives I am about to say.”

Words are very important for such sensitive discussions, and hence must be chosen carefully.

“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.” — Buddha

V. Back your arguments with evidence as possible.

During such conversations, the receiver can often try to defend himself/herself. Therefore, it becomes very critical that our feedback is evidence based. Often the receiver might not be able to understand your perspective — but when an evidence is shared, it brings clarity to the discussion.

VI. Treat the receiver with respect — give the feedback in a 1–1 discussion rather than in an open forum.

Even when sharing feedback, the receiver needs to be treated with utmost respect. Our feedback should in no way humiliate the receiver. If the receiver would not be comfortable with feedback in an open forum, kindly do not do so. Besides, the environment in which the feedback is shared, will heavily determine whether your feedback will be acted upon or not.

Also evaluating this from a different perspective, imagine you are sharing feedback in an open forum but are ill-informed, and your opinion is not correct — this will do you more harm than benefit. Hence, our feedbacks should be shared in a 1–1 discussion rather than an open forum. 1–1 discussion gives you more time for back and forth discussion, and helps ensure that both the parties are able to share their viewpoint.

Remember, at the end, our intention is that our feedback is taken positively, acted upon, and that this improves situation for ourselves and for everyone else. I hope this article helps all the readers to improve our art of giving constructive feedback.

I hope you all enjoyed reading this article. If you have come so far, please share your feedback/reflections in the comments. I read them all.

Please share your experience of an instance when you gave feedback to someone and if it was taken constructively.

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