Throughout my career, I’ve missed out on numerous job promotions for what seemed like an utterly trivial reason — my inability to engage in small talk.

I always knew deep, meaningful, engaging conversations are important because there is always a key take way from such conversations. But I never knew that baseless, hollow, irritating small talks are even more important. Wish to know why? Because they serve as a vital antidote to the awkward silence that can haunt our corporate lives. The most awkward moments of my corporate life can solely be attributed to my inability to undertake small talk!

Here is an example!

Once I was tasked to escort a very important client for lunch. All alone by myself. Easy, right? Not for me! For the next 20 minutes at the lunch table, we did not talk at all. I just did not know where to start the conversation, and surprisingly, my client seemed to be equally bad at doing small talk. We both just kept staring at our lunch plate in which creamy white sauce pasta was served with crusty bread and roasted vegetables. I tried to eat slowly, as I did not want to finish my plate before the client, and then look at his face for no reason. Soon after, I took out my cell phone and began to endlessly scroll the notifications, for no apparent reason but just to look busy.

After what felt like an excruciatingly long 20 minutes(that seemed like ever), a colleague joined us at the table and asked the client, “Hey Peter! So which hotel are you staying at in the city?” Remarkably, with that single question, the entire energy at the lunch table transformed. Over the next 30 minutes, they crafted an itinerary of must-visit tourist spots for Peter, while I sat there nodding in agreement. It seemed they hadn’t even noticed my presence. No points for guessing, when Peter had to choose a consultant for their on-site work, whom did he choose.

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This incident wasn’t an isolated one; it was emblematic of my consistent struggle with small talk. I frequently found myself present in conversations yet feeling invisible. When I calculate the monetary value of the missed opportunities due to my deficiency in small talk, the figure easily exceeds $100,000. Despite my earnest efforts, small talk remained an unconquerable challenge. Period!

In the corporate world, there are occasions when silence is acceptable — an hour in a cab with a colleague, five minutes before a meeting, or 60 seconds in an elevator with your department VP. Yet, it’s the astute individuals who recognize these moments as opportunities for small talk.

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Why did I, and many other introverts, find small talk so elusive?

The answer lies in our inherent introverted nature. While I can sit for hours staring at the ceiling fan, I struggle to engage in even 60 seconds of elevator small talk. This predicament is familiar to many introverts because small talk feels inherently at odds with our personalities. Our introverted tendencies, honed over decades, are not easily cast aside to meet the demands of the corporate environment.

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Why small talk is a skill every corporate employee should have?

After spending four years as a silent worker and grumbling about the workings of the corporate world, I had to admit that I had underestimated the purpose of small talk. It isn’t merely about uttering random nonsense; it’s a demonstration of your ability to connect with people. No matter how trivial the conversation may seem, engaging in small talk signifies your interest in conversing with others.

In the corporate realm, individuals can be broadly classified into two categories: those who excel at small talk and those who do not. For years, I belonged to the latter group, blissfully unaware of the repercussions of my reticence. For me personally, it took time to comprehend the importance of engaging in conversations beyond work-related matters. I realized that technical expertise alone was insufficient; nurturing office relationships and building connections were equally essential.

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How I am mastering the art of small talk?

When I realized talking rubbish in a small talk is a pure art, I decided to engineer it and it has worked out very well. Here’s how I’ve approached it, and how you can too:

I. You need a great Conversation Starter!

Well begun is half done. It is indeed true for small talks and here also lies the biggest challenge in a small talk is a decent conversation starter.

For almost a year, I observed what topics are chosen as conversation starters by the “best small talkers”. Here are a few that I keep in my armory to start a small talk:

(i) Weekends — Sometimes I feel God created weekends just so that people like me can use it as a conversation starter for small talk. On a Monday, go for “How was your weekend? Did you watch any movie?” And on a Friday, “Any plans for the weekend? Happy weekend to you!”

Atleast 2 out of 5 weekdays are sorted 😃.

(ii) You need to know about stuff that is happening outside the office!

Remember the golden rule of small talks — it is never about technical stuff.

You need to have an understanding about things that are happening outside the office building such as stock market, the football game last night, the new restaurant that has opened across the street, etc.

Once you have this information, you only need to use it at the right place i.e. Right question for the right person. Don’t create a mess by asking someone about last night’s football game if he/she has no interest in the same.

For one of my colleagues in office, I always used to ask her how she spent the weekend with her kids, and it has always been a great conversation starter.

(iii). Go for “How are you?”

And if you have no ammunition that can fit the situation, just put on your broadest smile, and say, “Mr. Tan, how are you?” and bundle it with “Long time no see. What’s keeping you busy?”

If you are on the receiving end of a small talk, just respond and go with the conversation. But if you happen to be the one initiating it, you need a good conversation starter.

II. The “Awkward Silence” mitigation

If awkward silences creeps into a conversation, it usually indicates that the chosen topic isn’t resonating with the other person. In such cases, I swiftly try to pivot the conversation to a more engaging subject. Over time, as I get to know people better, I have learned which topics were more likely to captivate them.

And remember, if your conversation reaches the third awkward silence moment, just move out of the discussion because it is definitely going your way.

III. Preparedness for small talks at the most awkward places

The weirdest place for a small talk was when myself and my department VP were going to the toilet at the same time. Desperately need a filler here for the 20 m walk!

Always acknowledge the situations where small talk can be expected so that you are never caught caught off guard. More awkward the situation is, more you need to have a small talk to lighten the mood.

IV. Always bundle it with a smile 😃

I recognized that a warm smile could alleviate the discomfort of small talk, making the experience less painful for both parties and facilitating the building of meaningful relationships over time. Nobody enjoys conversing with a frowning face.

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How the ability to small talk can help you?

As I honed my small talk skills, I began to grasp its significance. Small talk serves as a bridge to meaningful connections and opportunities in the corporate world. Contrary to my initial belief, it isn’t irrelevant or inefficient; it is a vital tool for fostering relationships and maintaining a positive office environment.

In a role that demands extensive interaction with people, the ability to connect through small talk is equally important (if not more), than technical expertise. Small talk serves as an efficient means of connecting with others, getting to know them, and building relationships.

How my personality has changed because of this?

My transformation from a silent worker to someone capable of engaging in small talk has altered my professional journey. However at home, in quiet solitude, I am my true self, echoing Rumi’s sentiment that “Silence is the language of God. Everything else is just poor translation.”

I agree with him completely but I am sure he did not work in the present day corporates. In the modern corporate world, silence is often not an option. Small talk has become my bridge to meaningful relationships, enabling me to connect with clients and colleagues alike.

Recently, during another lunch meeting with a client, creamy white sauce pasta with crusty bread and roasted vegetables was served, reminiscent of that fateful lunch long ago. This time, I looked at her plate and quipped, “Hi Melissa, I hope they serve better pasta in your city 😄!”
“Its not too bad!” she promptly replied with a laughter, and we both went on to talk about senseless things that did not matter to either of us, and ended up building a good client customer relationship.

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